The Short Version: I may not be the best tactician on Battle.Net, but after last night I think I’m at least one of the funniest.
The Long Version: I’ve had a few on again-off again relationships in my life. The most significant of those trysts is with Starcraft. For more than a decade, Starcraft has been there for me in one form or another. Sometimes it makes me feel good about myself. Other times the game is as humbling and ball breaking as one of Andrew Johnston’s graduate seminars. Beyond the desire to test myself against the world, I don’t know what really keeps me coming back. Fortunately for this rant, I don’t think the je ne c’est quoi of Starcraft matters.
While waiting for the 1 AM showing of The Ricky Gervais Show, I decided that I needed a little carnage. I clicked the ‘Find Match” button and waited to see what sort of cream puff Battle.Net would throw against me. I know I’m not the best Starcraft 2 competitor, but lately I’ve been leaps and bounds better than my opponents. When the load screen told me that I was up against a player called, “TheSituation”, I knew that losing this battle was not an option.
The details of the match are largely irrelevant and likely boring for anybody who isn’t a RTS nerd. Sufficed to say, “TheSituation” took the Zap Brannigan approach to command; he threw wave after wave of his own men against me. Like the good killbot that I am, I butchered wave after wave of his troops before finally making an outright assault on his base.
In Chess, a player tips their king as ceremonious show of honourable surrender. In Starcraft, a player falls upon their sword with two letters: gg – short hand good game. While it wasn’t a smart game for “TheSituation” he did try hard. As a show of respect, I returned his gg with one of my own. Of course, it didn’t end there.
Full of sushi and scotch, I felt a little proud of myself. As I razed his buildings, my troops mostly acting under their own volition, “TheSituation” voiced some incredulity regarding my win. At that moment, I had a choice: explain my tactics or get clever. I opted for the latter as you can see in the picture below. (Click the picture to enlarge)
Okay so maybe it wasn’t the most “out of the box” burn I could have laid upon him, but come on, how do you have your Battle.Net name as “TheSituation” and not grow a thick skin towards Jersey Shore jokes? Was it a bit of unnecessary salt in his wound? Without a doubt. If I could do it all over again, would I do anything different? No fucking way. Happy weekend everybody. I’m going to see Paul tonight; hopefully it can wash that foul Battle LA taste out of my mouth.