Hey there, are you a sheltered adolescent male of sub-normal to average intelligence who has never so much as talked to a girl for more than ten minutes let alone considered one to be anything more than a mobile boob delivery platform? If so, then have we got a movie for you. Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for some non-stop action because Starship Troopers Invasion is about to rock your galaxy.
As a member of this film’s target demographic, we know that you say “whatever” to the book version of Starship Troopers and its messages of alternative government, mandatory military service, and a comprehensive inventory of Robert Heinlein’s political views. Reading is too much like school, and who needs that when you can have an adrenaline filled mile-a-minute dragon upper cut to the face filled with explosions, space battles, giant bugs disembowelling humans, and three out of four speaking female characters naked within the first twenty-five minutes? That’s right, this is one of those movies where the women get naked but the men stay comfortably dressed; kind of like Game of Thrones but without the cultural subtext on the role of women in Westeros. So what are you waiting for? The sooner you watch it the sooner you can troll some people on the internet when they dare to tell you this isn’t the greatest film of all time. Maybe you could even use a connection to the Third Reich to win the argument?
But wait, there’s more! Do you like Halo? Do you think there should be more Halo in things outside of the Halo universe? Then hold on to your seats because Starship Troopers Invasion is going to give you all the Halo you can handle. From sniper rifles to the Mobile Infantry’s power suits, you’ll swear director Shinji Aramaki stole a whole bunch of concept art from his previous work in Halo Legends and changed it just enough to make it legally distinct from any other intellectual property.
And while those other studios and art directors chart new frontiers in making animated features, Starship Troopers Invasion stays close to home. If you hate critical thought as much as I do, then there’s a good chance you don’t go in for artsy hyper-realism in animation. After all, movies aren’t art; they’re just things to watch to kill a couple of hours before going to bed and fantasizing about being stuck on an island with Katee Sackhoff. Who needs animated characters looking and sounding distinct from each other when they can all be bland carbon copies? Let those Harvard elitists point out that Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is eleven years old but still manages to look better than Starship Troopers Invasion. Interchangeable characters speaking in such bland dialogue, so much so that not even Casper Van Dien was willing to reprise his role as General Johnny Rico, means you, the viewer, will have less to keep track of as the story lurches from battle sequence to battle sequence.
The producers of Starship Troopers Invasion understand your busy lifestyle, and subsequent challenges in focusing on a single thing for a given amount of time. And while past entries in the Starship Troopers franchise depended on such dated and inconsistent technology as compelling soundtracks to direct viewer attention while building tension, Starship Troopers Invasion’s advances in sound mixing will let you know exactly when it’s time to put down the smartphone and watch the movie. All you need to do is remember this one simple rule: when people are talking you don’t need to watch. But once you hear gunfire, it’s time to look up because Invasion is delivering its pulse pounding derivative nonsense akin to what GI Joe was doing back in the 80s. But who cares, because GI Joe is old, and this is new, and we all know that newer is better.
Sure, you could go with a movie offering decent pacing, a somewhat well ordered plot, fair gender roles, and a visual aesthetic which doesn’t make a person nostalgic for the 1999 Starship Troopers animated series. But where’s the fun there? Starship Troopers Invasion delivers high-octane thrills guaranteed to reduce a viewer’s ability to hear into the higher registers and think complex thoughts.
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